I know i talk to you badly, and i know i cuss you out on a regular basis....

its just......

I hate you.
I hate you with everything inside of me. You are the most worthless piece of shit on the face of this fucking earth. I really regret not taking up my dads offers to go live with him over the years. I realize now he was just looking out for me cuz he knew how fucking pathetic you are. Maybe if i would have moved in with him i could actually afford to move out now, not only because he USED to have a savings account for me to open when i got old enough to move out (that he canceled because i never saw him, THANKS TO YOU!), but because he wouldnt CONSTANTLY steal and "barrow" my money to never pay back. You constantly bitch and complain about being sooo broke and having noo money. HMMM I WONDER WHY BITCH! maybe because when you DO fuckin get money you spend it on nothing but beer, cigarettes, and cocaine, and youve just always done this assuming whenever you run out of money youll always have me around to give you money so you can "pay it back" and like always here i am broke off MY ass waiting around for you to pay back over 100 dollars to me. YOU have a fuckin job bitch! YOU get a fuckin paycheck! I on the other hand do not! and i cant fuckin GET one because your bitch ass constantly takes MY car without fuckin asking or warning me. But I'm still stuck buying my own gas on the off chance i DO get the car, because you always manage to get it on empty before you let me fuckin have it back, AND buy my own food seeing how your worthless ass never goes to the fuckin grocery store. So I'm forced to sell drugs to make at least JUST enough money to get the fuck out of this hell hole, and believe me, once I'm gone youll NEVER hear from me again. i WONT be visiting for any fuckin holidays, you WONT see me on my birthday and DEFINITELY not yours, dont even THINK about calling to check up on me a thousand fuckin times when your coked up and paranoid that im dead like you always fuckin do cuz i wont answer the fuckin phone, basically as soon as my things leave this house ill be dead to the entire family. Youre all nothing but a bunch of no good fuckin drug addicts. If i stay in touch with anyone it will be my grandma and my dad, and MAYBE shane. Theres been days when i would literally hope and pray that you wouldnt come home. That you would fuckin get killed, or die in a car crash. Unfortunately the closest you've come to that is when ryan beat your ass, and believe me bitch, you deserved it. I love how you fucking think that you just HAPPEN to get a bunch of asshole boyfriends that treat you like shit. WELL HERES A THOUGHT! MAYBE just MAAYBEEE its YOU! what guy would want to fucking put up with some woman that spends all her time working at a bar then as SOON as shes off work she goes and sits on the other side and starts drinking and getting drunk, doing coke, putting 10-20$ at a time in the fuckin poker machine only to win NOTHING!, just throwing away ALL her money, just to come home and bitch and complain about being broke, and whining about how much you hate your job. WHY DONT YOU GET A NEW FUCKING JOB!!! all you ever do is bitch and tell me to get a fucking job, even though i would have NO fucking way of getting there seeing how you fuckin take my god damn car all the time!! but yet you work a shitty ass job getting less than minimum wage just cuz you get to sit on your ass behind a bar, watch tv, and talk to your friends all day. You wouldnt make it a fuckin WEEK working a real damn job, and i cant WAIT until judys fuckin has to close down and your bitch ass has to try to do something that actually takes WORK for once. Now that you dont get that fuckin 140$ every 2 weeks for child support anymore youll NEVER fuckin make it when i move out, you wont have anyone to take from anymore, no ones willing to let you barrow money anymore because they ALL know your fuckin good for nothing and theyll never see that money again.

You might as well go ahead and kill yourself, your a burden to everyone and no one would miss you if you were gone.

Current Mood: pissed off

with more problems of course

it seems life for me just continues to go down hill more and more everyday

i finally got that emily shit out of the way and shes not even a part of my life anymore (except for the fact that she still spreads rumors around school that i abused her and she still tells everyone im fuckin pyscho, but i dont go to school anymore so thats not my problem) but i have a new problem, and her name is rainier.
This isnt your typical "she cheated on me blah blah blah" situation though. Shes never cheated on me... but heres the story.

Ive liked this girl (marysabel) for basically my entire highschool life but ive never had the courage to tell her. This was the only time ive actually kept one of my crushes a secret, and i kept it pretty well i must say. Well my senior year me and bel started hanging out a LOT more and the feelings just kept getting stronger and stronger every singel time we were together. Then i finally got up the nerve to tell her one day (when i was fucked up on oxycodones of course, WHICH i might add, i havent done since before spring break) and it turns out she liked me too, but she told me she didnt know if she could date me because her friend kayla liked me. WELL kayla told bel to go out with me and forget about her because she knew bel liked me a lot and that she (kayla) would never have a chance with me, so me and bel started dating, and i must say it was PRETTY awkward. Then we went to a party, everyone was stoned off their asses and i noticed bel and rainier (bels friend) going into a room alone with theses guys daniel and blake, so i IMMEDIATELY started assuming the worst, and it seemed like the whole party bel was spending more time talking to every other guy but me. So then we got home and i told her that someone told me she cheated on me when they went back into that room (which wasnt true but i couldnt be like "i think you cheated on me blah blah"), she got upset and kept asking me who said it cuz it wasnt true, and finally she went "did someone really tell you that or did you just say that cuz you didnt wanna say that YOU think i cheated on you" and i told her the truth and she explained that nothing happened, daniel just had a blunt that he didnt wanna share with everyone else so they all smoked it in there. Well things went pretty good for a while, then one night rainier went to this party and i didnt wanna go cuz i didnt know anyone, and bel couldnt go, so i just IMed rainier on her phone the whole night and i kinda started to get these little feelings for her. It was nothing major at the time but everything she said was really cute, and i just really enjoyed the conversations we had, then later that night i told her if she got bored at the party that i would come get her and we could go see a movie or something.. soooo she did and we went, but nothing was opened cuz it was like 1am so i took her back to the party, then later she called and asked if i could pick her and her friends up and take them to another party, so i did and she asked if i wanted to stay and i said i couldnt (because i didnt want anything to happen and end up cheating on bel or something) but the more i thought about it the more i wanted to go. So i went. And i spent the night there. Well everyone fell asleep except me and rainier and we stayed up ALL night playing mario cart lol, and it was adorbale. Then later on she asked me if i wanted her to move over so i could fit on the bed (there were like 4 people counting us 2 on the bed and i wasnt even on it good and it was SOOO uncomfortable) but i said no cuz i didnt wanna seem weird, but then i regretted it SOO much cuz i just wanted to lay there and cuddle with her or ANYTHING. so the next day me and bel hung out and bel started seeming to lose interest. So i took her home after we hung out and when i got home i asked her if she still wanted to be in this relationship and she said "im sorry chris, i just dont think this is right for us, it all seems kinda weird and you dont trust me" so we broke up. THEN the next day i had been promising rainier i would get her drunk for the first time in her life so i went to a party with rainier to get my mind off of bel but bel ended up coming. I had brought 2 bottles of Gin to the party and everyone was pretty wasted, so bel ended up making out with that guy blake. And i was pretty jealous, and the WHOLE night i was trying to close to rainier, and "hold her up" so she wouldnt fall (i really just wanted to put my arm around her and it was a good excuse) then me and rainier ended up laying next to bel and blake while they were making out, and i remember rainier saying "OMG chris im soo fuckin drunk!" and i went "me too" and we made eye contact, and something just clicked, and we slowly moved in, and started kissing, and i swear the moment our lips touched was the most magical moment of my entire life. So anyway, we ended up making out like the WHOLE night, and sleeping in the same bed, and cuddling and everything, but neither one of us really knew if the other one LIKED them or if it was just the alcohol. So the next morning things were kinda weird. So anyway, bel ended up getting mad at me when i told her that i really liked rainier (she asked i didnt just tell her to be an asshole or something) and she was like "why dont you just fucking go out with her!" so i asked rainier if she liked me JUST to get it out there, and she said yes, so we talked about the whole thing and how we both thought it was kinda childish of bel to be getting mad about all of this when SHE was making out with blake BEFORE me and rainier started making out. and what was even worse was that bels BEST friend kristin had been trying to hook up with blake, and they had sex that night and then right after they had sex, bel started making out with blake so when kristin walked in and saw it she was PISSED. but anyway me and rainier started talking about dating and stuff and then bel messaged me one day on myspace telling me how she was still CRAZY about me and she couldnt get me off her mind and she didnt know why, but she had NEVER felt that way about anyone before, anf this was weird cuz bel had ONE bf before me and they werent that close or serious, so i knew she was serious, cuz shes not the type of person to say those things for no reason. So i ended up spending like almost a month trying to decide which one to be with, and while this was all happening rainier asked me one night if she could go to a lock in for her church and i was like "yea of course" but then BEL informed me that this was not just a lock in, but a lock in at a guys house (nick) that rainier was CRAZY about (bel knew because she secretly had rainiers password to her myspace and she read a provate blog rainier wrote about it) so i told rainier, that one of her friends that she didnt know i knew, from her church, told me whose house it was at and that she liked him a lot and all this, so i told her i wasnt comfortable with her going, but she went anyway. So basically that was strike one, and i immediately lost respect and trust for her. Then blah blah all this past we started dating and then prom night we skipped prom and hung out all day and then went to a party later that night we got high and in the middle of a conversation she called me nick, which was as i said before, the name of the guy she liked. so i was pissed but she kept saying it was because she saw this guy nick walk by and in her head she was thinking "who is that?? oh its nick" so it slipped out but i dont believe that for a second, so that was strike 2, and i lost ALL trust in her at that moment. so then fast forward about a month or so and we were at my house getting high again, and she smoked WAY too much and was freaking out and i came back from the bathroom and sat down beside her and she said "omg i just cheated on my booyyfriiend!" and made a face like =O and put her hand over her mouth and i was like "WHAT DID YOU SAY!?" and she looked away and went "sooooo we are gonna have fun on friday" so basically that was strike 3 and i really dont see why im still with her. To anyone that just heard the story and didnt know the situation and the way things are between us they would say "shes cheating on you break up with that bitch" but part of me really doesnt think she would do that, this girl is OBSESSED with me, im ALL over her myspace shes CONSTANTLY IMing me or texting me, or leaving me comments, she talks about me to EVERYONE, her myspace display name is "rxr[[♥'s chris]]" her status on facebook is "rainier is madly in love with chris lane" shes NEVER told another guy she loves them, i was her first EVERYTHING except make out, she lost her virginity to me. But then theres part of me that thinks shes still crazy about this nick guy. Anyway i dont trust her at all, but then again i dont ANYONE so idk. But its to the point where i dont even know if its worth stickin with her, we never see each other, ALL we do is fight. But im SOOOO in love with this girl. i just dont know what to do. and everyday i get more and more convinced that i hsould just end it, but then when i break up with her she cries and begs me not to and i think about everything we've been through and how amazing everything is when we're together and i just cant. Ive even spent a whole 3 days only talking to her when i kinda HAD to and kept preparing myself for the break up, but i couldnt do it.

I guess ill keep you posted on everything...
I'm gonna go lay down or something

Current Mood: confused

I haven't posted anything for a while so i figured i would since its new years and all.... Here's how my great new years went

OK first i need to fill you in on the fact that me and emily are still together, yes yes i know the last post i posted said it was final but i talked to her and she said zach made the whole thing up and she called him while i was at her house and cussed him out for it and a lot of other stuff, he called her when i was at the house and I got close to the phone to here the convo and he called her to tell her that he had moved on, so i geuss shes not cheating on me (unless she planned the whole thing, like told him that if he wanted to keep seein her that he would have to make it seem like they broke up because shes gonna stay with both of us and i cant find out...or maybe im over analyzing EVERYTHING)

So anyway, I had a WONDERFUL new years planned with the love of my freakin life it was gonna be amazing, we were pretty much JUST gonna hang out and kiss at midnight (shes never done that with anyone before and i was excited that i would be the first one that she got to share that with) and then she tells me i have to eat downstairs with her parents (after she had already told me earlier that day that we could eat upstairs) so i left and told them i had to take my mom to a party and then about 30 minutes after i left emily called and said that i probably wouldnt want to come because her dad was gonna sit me and her down and have a TALK with us when i got back... but i came anyway...why?...because i love her and i REALLY wanted to spend new years with her. So I get there, we all have a talk about emily's rules and how she cant talk on the phone after 10 and how shes been breakin the rule so shes grounded from EVERYTHING for two weeks, and that i could ONLY stay until 8...so i didnt get to spend new years with her :( I wont be able to see or talk to her or communicate with her in ANY WAY outside of school for 2 weeks... unless we write each other letters and mail them, she said something about that and im not sure if she was serious. but anyway. So i cried leaving her house last night because i was soo afraid that she would leave me within these 2 weeks or that it was all some kind of plot to get rid of me like she told her parents "hey i dont want to be with chris but im scared to break up with him, is there any way you can tell him that im grounded for 2 weeks and that i cant spend new years with him" or something like that, or maybe ONCE AGAIN im freakin out....but last night...



She called me at 12:00 to tell me happy new years and then after a while her phone messed up and when i called her back she was dialing someone elses number and she was like "uuuh hello?" and i said "hey" and she said something (her phone was breaking up) and it kept hangin up...OR she kept hangin up on me..she was actin really weird and then when i called her back the last time she goes "sorry my phone died, uuuh its gonna hang up like right now if i dont get off so i love you bye" but what I heard in my mind was "oh im on the other line with some other guy so i have to make up some bullshit excuse to get you off the phone"


idk...This 2 weeks is gonna be hell for me, im gonna be paranoid and freakin out like this EVERY SINGLE DAY!

Current Mood: confused

I'm breaking up with her first thing tomarrow unless the bitch pulls something out of her ass....

i signed on her SN...and heres what i got...


Bigz908: hey babY!!!!!!
heyboohearts14: ...this is chris...
heyboohearts14: i thought you and emily broke up
Bigz908: nope
Bigz908: she's not dating u so get over it
heyboohearts14: lol actually she kinda is...but not for long now
Bigz908: no she isn't
heyboohearts14: heyboohearts14: well, i see you as a loving, funny, cute, sweet, incredibly hot, and...the love of my life.
heyboohearts14: oh si geuss she says stuff like that to EVERYONE
Bigz908: I guess so but means it with me
heyboohearts14: riiight haha you should definately get over yourself
Bigz908: nah you get over your self
heyboohearts14: why should i get over myself, i was the one she was makin out with ALL day today
Bigz908: whatever you say man it's ur word against hers
heyboohearts14: yea and considering me and her have been goin out since the 18th her word doesnt really mean shit to me
Bigz908: well it shouldn't cause me and her have been dating for four months and a week and a half
heyboohearts14: yea i know this now
heyboohearts14: the thing is shes been telling me you and her broke up since me and her started dating
Bigz908: yeah
heyboohearts14: but whatever, you can have her
Bigz908: ok thanks
Bigz908: now sorry for being rude but u can go away now
Bigz908: this isn't ur sn to be on
heyboohearts14: haha no i got some things to do first
Bigz908: k whatever


so yea...fuck her

So i haven't written anything in a while, so ill fill you in...

-Emily was cheating on me, as i guessed. I'm not going to say how i found out...I'll tell you when the time comes to let you know.
-I gave her another chance
-I'm about 99.99999999% sure shes STILL cheating on me
-I haven't really talked to her at all this week because shes out of town (probably with zach)
-I did notice that Friday at school (we discussed everything and she "broke up" with zach on Thursday) she acted like she used to when we first started going out...and I liked that
-I'm giving it until like Thursday, or Friday and if the thing that proved to me that she was cheating on me hasn't changed and it still shows shes cheating on me, I'm gonna tell her how i found out and break up with the bitch. Because I'm sick of sitting around and letting her do what she wants, I'm fucking better than that shit.


So yea that's what's new. I guess I'll try to be back tomarrow or something but i can't promise anything because it's fall break and I'm gonna be VERY busy! ;)

this one will pretty much be my oxycodone rant where i end up crying after the first 2 sentences. Well ok i pretty much found out that emily had sex with zach more than once cuz i asked how long he lasted and she said "first time like 2 minutes" and then when i went "FIRST time??" she was like "umm i mean first time you have sex it usually only lasts 2 minutes" and then i said "just fuckin tell me if you had sex with him more than once" and she said "uuuh i thihnk someone just picked up the phone downstairs and i think im in trouble" and hung up. I dont know what to do, you have no idea how much i love her and care about her, i just want to spend the rest of my fuckin life with her but i dont think shes honest with me, i wouldnt even care if she had sex with him more than once, i mean i would but fuck...her lying to me is really fuckin up everything, i cant take it i dont want to fuckin live anymore, im never gonna be happy, every relationship i ever have ends in pain and i cant take it, theres been several nights when ive PRAYED that i wouldnt wake up in the morning, im not religious, i dont go to church, i DONT pray, but i make an exception for this shit. Im just tired of living, if she would have just not had sex with him we would be absolutely perfect, i would trust her, i wouldnt freak out so much, she would be able to forget about zach, EVERYTHING would be perfect. I just feel like she lies to me SOO much and i wish she would just be honest with me. I love her more than ive ever loved anyone before in my life and i really dont want things to end up like my other fuckin relationships, even if she is cheating on me i just wish she would tell me, it would make things SOOO much easier, i cant even garuntee id break up with her, i might just to show her that im not gonna take it. I honestly think thats the only problem i have with someone cheating on me is how i look to other people, im afraid they think "hahaha hes such an idiot" and stuff like that and i can just see emily braggin to her friends about havin 2 bfs. idk what to do with myself, i cant stand bein cheated on, i wish she knew how much i relly cared about her and how much its gonna ruin my entire life if she cheating on me or does cheat on me. I love her so much, i wish there was some other way to describe how i feel about her, cuz love just honestly does cut it. I really need to talk to her right now....BAD i was soooo happy earlier when we were talking cuz we were so open and i could finally express myself and tell her how i ACTUALLY feel, i dont even care if she had sex with him more than once...but the fact that i think shes LYING about it. i cannot fuckin STAND liars, trust is the most important thing to me...maybe because i myself dont trust anyone AT ALL. I just need more than anything to know that she is not cheating on me or that she really loves me but i can never find out and i always feel like shes cheating on me. i dont know what to do, i just want to fuckin die, i cant handle it anymore. AShe was my last hope for an honest loving relationship and im pretty sure its not gonna happen... maybe ill make it through this week alive...hopefully not...

I went to emily, things were great


But then wanda told me that her and zach have actually been going out this whole time...im beginin to think its true cuz ive heard it from WAY too many people, i sent zach a message on myspace asking him whats really going on, im to the point where i almost dont care anymore, im shaking soo fuckin bad i cant even stand it, im about to throw up, i can hardly breathe...this is why i dont need to be in a fuckin relationship. I dont even wanna fuckin go to school anymore, she was the one thing that kept me goin everyday, she was the only reason i went to ANY of the classes those days that i missed first and second, i went into 3rd cuz i see her after 3rd...but now i just dont care..li just wanna fuckin get this shit over with, somebody seriously fuckin kill me, i dont even think im as upset that shes cheating on me as i am pissed off that im such a god damn idiot! why the fuck do i let people get to me, fuck it im not about to even think about trusting anyone else...ever again...im through, and if i make it through this fuckin week without ODin on whatever the fuck i can get my hands on then kudos to me god damn it!!

lilke ok, i love emily like whoa, but i dont wanna get hurt.. i keep tellin my self and other people that i hate emily but i know its not the case

i love her so fuckin much but im just REALLY not lookin to get in ANOTHER relationship that ends in me gettin hurt, and i think maybe im makin myself all paranoid about us because i dont wanna lose her...or i could just be REALLY high lol...but idk

sometimes i say to myself "whatever let her cheat on me i dont even care" other times i think "omg i dont know what id do if she ever cheated on me" EVERYTIME i hear somethin about things she did with zach or i hear something that makes me think shes cheating on me i literally almost throw up.

I wish there was some way of REALLY knowing how other people feel about you. It all about trust..which is something ive never had for anyone! i stopped trusting people back in like 5th grade when kristen hall broke up with me for joe hughes....that was the day i began to stop trusting all girls. Yes it IS creepy and weird that i remember that and that it effected my life that much, but it did. But pretty much after that everything went down hill.. i think i was just WAY to young to get into a serious relationship and i got attatched. Ever since then ive always thought EVERY girl i went out with would break up with me for someone else, to the point that i usually drove girls to doin that. Kristin Ayers for example, what we had was perfect, but i treated her like shit and constantly accused her of doin things that she didnt because i was afraid she would do what EVERY other girl did to me,until eventually she couldnt take it anymore and she just broke up with me, and im afraid thats whats gonna happen with emily. I really dont wanna lose her but i just keep expecting the worst, I constantly think everything she tells me is a lie, everytime she goes to hang out with her friends, i think shes off with some other guy cheating on me. Ive gotten pretty pathetic and im sick and tired of it! FUCK CHRIS!!! is it too much to think that MAYBE some girl may actually fuckin care about you and love you as much as she says she does!!! GET THE FUCK OVER IT!!! IF SHES CHEATING ON YOU THEN SHES CHEATING ON YOU!! IF SHES NOT AND YOU KEEP FUCKIN ACCUSING HER OF CHEATING EVENTUALLY SHES GONNA GET SICK OF YOU AND LEAVE YOU JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE YOUVE EVER FUCKIN CARED ABOUT!!! WOULD THAT MAKE YOU FUCKIN HAPPY!! MAYBE SHE IS TELLIN YOU THE FUCKIN TRUTH ABOUT EVERYTHING, MAYBE SHE REALLY DOES WANT TO BE WITH YOU AND NO ONE ELSE!!! BUT NO MATTER HOW THE FUCK SHE FEELS, YOU GETTING UPSET ABOUT EVERYTHING SHE DOES ISNT GOIN TO MAKE THINGS BETTER!!!

DELETED

so i missed a day... i'll fill you in


-Im still confused about whether or not emily is serious about us
-That dream about bel is still on my mind
-Brandon got a ticket and cant drive cuz his license were expired
-I havent gotten high since that fuckin post and im broke and Emily is stressin me out so i need to freakin smoke BAD!
-An American Haunting is the best movie ever in the world
-Brandon's friend brooke a.k.a. stoner is pretty freakin cool
-I still havent went to school for a WHOLE day (its been exactly a week now)


I think thats about it...
Well i'll try to write back tomarrow
PEACE OUT LJ!!